Back to the Drawing Board... Cycle day 1

Started my period yesterday. Yes, Aunty Flo came knocking loudly on my door around noon. I dared her to show up by wearing brand new, light grey t-shirt colored undies (ok it's true they were protected with a liner). But she took me up on my challenge all right. This month was the first time in 3 months, that I did not get it on the 27th. But I guess it made sense that I'd get it at least 2 days later, given the fact that I ovulated so late in this cycle (on day 17).

At least it's good to know that Fertil Plus really does keep my cycle pretty regular! (Btw my New Year's Resolution is to be a lot better about using my checklist, religiously, to make sure I take it at the right time, 3 times per day... 8am, 3pm, and 10pm). The month I did get pregnant, I had alarms set up to remind me to take it at the same time every day, but lately I've been bad about it. So maybe there really was something to it.

On one hand I am disappointed that I didn't get pregnant this time, and can't help wondering if maybe I'm just not meant to have children. I'm starting to wonder if getting pregnant might be one of those things that will happen for me only when I don't really care if it happens or not. You hear about that kind of thing happening all the time. Women decide to finally stop trying and BAM! They're knocked up. But it's frustrating that it seems to work that way. Can't I just admit that I really do want to have a baby?

It's kind of like being in a relationship with someone, and wanting that person too much. It's only when you truly don't care, that they start calling you like crazy and can't get enough of you. Maybe babies are just like that. Maybe we're not supposed to want them in some crazed, possessive sort of way, like that's just bad karma. We're just supposed to be doing our thing, being busy with our lives and enjoying our lives. And then the babies are supposed to show up, just like men do, ceremoniously crashing into our lives when we could care less, as if it's some kind of big test of God, to see just how much we can really handle at once.

Well, I'm not going to stop trying (and I'm getting to the point where my FertilPlus is about to run out so I am going to have to order more soon). My guess is that I was just under way, way too much pressure this month, to be able to conceive.

Reasons I think I didn't conceive this month include:

-Putting myself (and my husband) under WAY too much pressure!

-Getting into a pretty big fight with the hubby, about 5 days after I felt like I'd gotten pregnant. If that didn't drive my cortisol levels up to the roof, I don't know what could. No, the fight wasn't pregnancy related. We don't fight all the time, but when we do, it is not pretty. Luckily we made up and he was very apologetic, but sadly I no longer felt pregnant the day after the fight.

-Maybe the timing was just wrong and I didn't get pregnant after all, and the "pregnant feeling" was just caused by the progesterone cream. Although I did think we had the timing right (we did it about 10 hours after I took a VERY positive ovulation test, and had been testing every 12 hours), I am wondering if maybe it was just too late. This cycle I need to be sure we do it at night, more often. It probably would have been better if we'd done it the night before!

-Maybe it was just a bad egg or the wrong sperm fertilized my egg. I did kind of wonder, as I was practically standing on my head in order to help my hubby's sperm reach my egg(s): "Could I be making it easier for the wrong sperm to get to the egg?"  What I was doing was, after all, kind of going against Darwin's theory. You see YouTube videos of magnified sperm under a microscope, and you can't help thinking... ok, clearly there are some sperm that are just supposed to be left behind. Some are swimming around in circles, crazed, dazed, confused, directionless.  But being in the vertical position that I was... I couldn't help wonder if maybe I was encouraging some of those spermies that just... weren't... right.... to win the big Egg Marathon.

So if the reason I didn't get pregnant this time around, is because the egg/sperm/zygote/blastocyst just wasn't as strong as it needed to be... I want to thank God for the intervention, because getting a monthly period is like a vacation to Cabo, compared to what it is like to go through a miscarriage.

The other thing I am grateful for, is that I didn't wind up with an ectopic pregnancy. Which I was slightly concerned about, since I could swear I was ovulating from my right side for the first time that I can ever remember. In 2009 I had an HSG test which showed that my right tube is slightly blocked. Or at least, it took a lot longer for the dye to go through it, than it did for the dye to go through the left tube.  I really felt like I was ovulating from both sides. There were strong pangs going off from the left and the right, for over a week.

So the whole time, I was a little worried that I could wind up with an ectopic pregnancy. I know this will sound completely insane, but there was even a day (after I thought I'd conceived) when I took about 3x my usual dose of oil of evening primrose, and then went jogging, in an effort to somehow try to help the blastocyst or zygote keep moving along the tube. It was hard for me not to picture it getting stuck in the tube! Who knows, maybe I caused it to just keep on sliding and never stick in my uterus at all.

See, THIS is why it's probably better for people like me, to get pregnant by accident, when you're not even thinking about it. Because thinking about it all the time, every day, will make you insane and do crazy things that you probably shouldn't.

Anyway, my plan for this month is to keep good track of what I'm doing, get enough rest, keep a checklist of everything I'm supposed to be doing (including taking supplements at the right time, drinking lots of water). And we'll see what happens from there!

As usual... will post my progress as I go along!

EB

And the pregnancy test reveals...

... a BFN!

Yep.  I should have known better than to take a test on Christmas. I just couldn't seem to help myself, I guess largely because I knew I was going to be tempted all day, so I decided to just get it over with. At this point I'm 11 days past ovulation. I do realize there is a chance I could still test positive within 4 or 5 days but I'm not going to put too many eggs into that basket. I checked that test strip about 3 times and there was not even the faintest sign of a positive line. True, it was a test strip that I'd cut open over 2 weeks ago so maybe it wasn't good anymore, but... I had it all wrapped up, with the silica gel packet still inside, so I would think it would still be good.

As much as I was feeling and seeing weird symptoms, I have not been feeling fatigue.  Though... ok I have to say, I don't think I really felt that much fatigue the first time I was pregnant. But I do remember my back hurting quite a bit. And this time, the back pain is even worse.

I really do feel like I have been showing pregnancy symptoms, though. It's weird. Even the amount of discharges that I've been experiencing. It's been a lot, and that's not normally the case (though it was while I was pregnant). I remember, when I was pregnant before, I sometimes felt like I had my period, because I was wet down there so much of the time. So I'm not sure what is going on, or what happened, but... all I can do is try to look at the positive side of things.

On the positive side, I feel like I can probably go ahead and have a cup of decaf coffee if I want. And I can breathe a sigh of relief that I have a little more time to secure a full time job without having to worry about my employer and co-workers (rightfully) accusing me, 4 months down the road, of getting a job, right after I got pregnant, knowing I was pregnant and would have to take maternity leave.

It's hard not to go over in my mind, all the things that I could have done differently. If I hadn't gotten into that argument with my husband the evening before I ovulated, we could have had sex the next morning and I would have gotten the timing just right. Or, if I had been pregnant, maybe if I hadn't been under so much stress about 5 days ago, maybe the pregnancy would have "stuck." Or if maybe I hadn't had that glass of wine at Christmas Eve dinner. Or maybe if I hadn't talking about every single little thing as it happened, giving the blogger play by play. Or maybe if I could just take a chill pill and stop worrying about every little thing so much! One thing I definitely know for sure. A lot of my worry is money-related, so I need to figure out a way to fix that.

I definitely do plan to keep trying, and will be increasing my dosage of CoEnzyme Q10 to try to make sure my eggs are as healthy as they can be. I realized I was only taking about 200 mg per day, but I really could and probably should have been taking 400-600mg.

I spent the morning eating junk food, sweet bread rolls with lots of butter, watching the Disney Christmas Parade and throwing myself a little pity party while my husband is still asleep in bed. I guess I had to just get it out of my system.

Now I'm going to go get on my exercise bike and listen to Madonna and get pumped up to start all over again. If this cycle is like the last 3 I will be getting my period on the 27th. If for some reason that's not the case, I'll do another post!

EB

REALLY white discharge... a sign of pregnancy?

I just went to the bathroom and when I looked at my undies I literally said "Whoah." The discharge on them was really, really white. Usually it's not very thick and maybe kind of white but not all that white. But this evening, it was a lot thicker. Didn't smell bad or anything, it was just really noticeable.

I've been trying to wear dark colored undies lately (today they were red) because I have been wanting to keep track of what my discharge looks like. The last time I had that kind of thick white discharge, was when I got pregnant almost a year ago. The last time before that was in my 20's, when I just had a lot more hormones raging through my system, and I just had a lot more discharge in general.

For several months, I've been looking at my undies, hoping to see some kind of thick white discharge, this is the first time I saw it. But I am still scared to take a pregnancy test, because it's Christmas Eve and I don't want to be disappointed. And I don't want to be disappointed on Christmas day either. But I may end up giving in! It would be a pretty cool Christmas gift to find out I'm pregnant. But... again... it would really suck to get a negative test on Christmas!

I am having a little bit of pain down there right now, and I can't tell if it's coming from my ovaries or a fallopian tube or what. I'm just going to hope and assume it is my ovaries being overactive this month.

Whatever the case, I am happy and grateful to have just seen that white milky discharge on my underpants. Whatever it means. It definitely made me feel happy to see it : )

EB

Nausea?

I might have been dreaming this one, but... last night, in the middle of the night, I woke up suddenly when my husband was scratching his foot. He was scratching it so hard, the bed was shaking.

Normally this might just wake me up and I'd go right back to sleep, no big deal.  But this morning, it made me feel nauseous, as if I suddenly felt motion sickness. My head actually felt cold - as if the blood had just drained right out of it. I didn't really feel like I was going to barf, probably because I was only half awake and was able to fall back asleep fairly quickly, but that feeling of motion sickness was definitely familiar.

When I was on birth control pills - Ortho TriCyclen - on and off from about age 26 to about age 35 - I felt a good amount of motion sickness.  I'd never gotten motion sickness before, but suddenly I felt it pretty regularly. In cars driving on winding roads, on boats, on buses that swerved around too much... one time I had to get off the bus and throw up in a trash can. It was a lot like being pregnant, only you weren't. I figured it was the increase in hormones in your system. Ortho Novum 777 never did that to me, but BOY did Ortho TriCyclen.

Anyway, I'm not quite ready to take a pregnancy test. I'm going to wait at least until tomorrow - Christmas - to take one - and might wait even longer. If it would be negative, I don't want to feel disappointed on Christmas. But if I get another wave of nausea or some other really strong signal - I'll probably go ahead and take it!

By the way, I do plan on asking the hubby if he really was scratching his foot or shaking the bed somehow in his sleep. There is a chance he won't remember, though, so it may not even be worth it to ask him. But I do know this... what I felt was definitely nausea - whether it was a dream or not! I'm pretty sure it was real, because I remember it had woken me up from a dream.

More later. TTFN,

EB

Fighting the winter blues... or hormones

OK so I realize this could have nothing to do with pregnancy. But this evening I had this terrible feeling of the blues. It was shortly after I took a shower. True, it's raining, HARD, where I live, to the point where they've issued two flash flood warnings. But I'm usually able to keep my Seasonal Affective Disorder in check by taking extra vitamin D, getting enough exercise, cleaning my house, staying away from junk food, eating really healthy, and keeping the lights on.

But those things didn't seem to be doing the trick today. It seemed unusually bad shortly after I took a shower and put on some progesterone cream, which was weird because previously, it actually improved my mood. But tonight, I literally started to feel like I was going to cry when I was just trying to fix a tangled blanket. So I ended up taking a SAM-e tablet. I'd bought some for my husband a few years ago when he wasn't in the best health and it was making him depressed. Now he is feeling much better and didn't keep taking it so I had a lot of extra, and I'm going to assume it was still at least partially effective since it's in foil wrapped packaging. 

I read a very helpful discussion about Sam-E, by women who are trying to conceive, or did get pregnant. Apparently it's been really helpful, for a lot of women, and there are no known side effects. You can read the discussion here.

I felt "OK" later. Not joyful or anything, just "OK." Which I guess is better than feeling depressed, which is what I felt about 2 hours ago. I also do have a nice heated blanket on the bed, which is helping the back pain that's been plaguing me for the last month. 

When I told my husband I was feeling really depressed like I want to cry, he said, "Could you be pregnant?" And for some reason I instantly blurted out, "no, no..." I guess because a) I didn't really think that could be it, and b) I don't want to worry him too much. 

But now I am kind of starting to wonder. I don't want to take another pregnancy test unless I'm way overdue for my period. This cycle, I ovulated pretty late - on day 17.  And I just looked it up online and apparently it's not impossible to get pregnant if you ovulate that late, according to this discussion. 

For the last 3 months, I always got my period on the 27th. Like clockwork. So I keep thinking, that's when I'm going to get it again this month. So I guess I'll take a test if I don't get it by the 28th. It was just so much easier the last time I got pregnant, when I wasn't really thinking about it, and I didn't test too early, and I didn't have any of that anxiety of, should I take a test or not take a test, or being annoyed with myself because I went ahead and tested too early when I knew I shouldn't have.  Sometimes I wonder if that kind of anxiety can keep a pregnancy from actually “sticking.”  It would probably help if I could just get busy with other things in my life and not think so much about the baby thing.

OK that's it for now. Will write more again soon. 

EB

How long does it take to get a positive pregnancy test?

So, I took another pregnancy test, thinking that maybe I could show a positive result by now. And I was pretty disappointed to see it was negative (and I mean, totally negative, not even a faint line). Again. I know, my bad. I should not be taking any tests at all! I feel like it always just messes with my mind, and yet... it's hard to help myself.

When I got pregnant in January, I estimated that I conceived around January 5th (since that was the day I had the really positive OPK test), and I didn't take a pregnancy test for three weeks (so by the time I did, it was pretty dark). It wasn't that I didn't care at all, but I just had a lot of other things on my mind, which I think is probably how it's supposed to be.

I didn't feel any particularly strong, unusual symptoms, that I can remember, until about 2 days before I took the test. The thing that made me finally suspect that something must be going on, was major fatigue (which I am not experiencing now), bad lower back pain (which I am experiencing but that's been going on for weeks), and bad diarrhea as soon as I woke up one day (which I'm not experiencing now... and yes, don't worry, I made it to the bathroom!)

I did a little googling the other day to find out how soon you can you get a positive pregnancy test after a positive ovulation test (assuming you've done the deed at least once, in the right time frame of course). 

This is what I found, according to this discussion: 

When an egg is fertilized, it takes about 6 to 12 days to implant in the uterus, and then it begins to secrete hCG. It takes another day or two for enough hCG to build up and make its way into your pee. So, generally speaking, the earliest you can expect a positive HPT is 8 days past ovulation ("DPO") and the latest would be about 16 DPO.

I got my positive OPK test on the morning of Friday, December 14th (yes, sadly this was the same day as the tragedy in Connecticut). I also had sex a few times before this, when I thought I may be ovulating also (I've had other positive OPK tests during this cycle but none that turned so dark, so fast). So at this point, I'm just about 8 days past ovulation. But for whatever reason, my hormones still do seem to be acting up. My boobs are pretty sore. Though they do tend to be more sore, during the last 2 weeks of my cycle, when I am on Fertil Plus. So who knows, maybe that's all it is.

It's hard not to have a certain amount of anxiety about this pregnancy since I don't have health insurance at this time, and I need to get full time work. So if there is anything positive about the fact that I might not be pregnant right now, it would be that I still have a little more time to hopefully secure a good full time job that has decent health benefits.

Around 2 days past ovulation I started getting insomnia, waking up in the middle of the night, thinking oh my God, what if more than one egg got released and fertilized. I am pretty positive that I ovulated from more than one side this month. It's funny that I would worry about such a thing, since there was a time when I really wanted twins. It seems like a cooler and cooler idea as you get older, since you don't know how much time there is left to have babies, so cranking out two at a time would seem like a blessing.

But the reality of having more than one kid, with no health insurance, definitely scared me a little. Of course, I would welcome any baby or babies that God chooses to give me. And I would love that kid or kids with my whole heart and just make the best of the situation, no matter how it all turned out. I definitely do have some good prospects for full time work, so I am hopeful.

I realize I must sound really ingrateful.  Here I am, trying SO hard to get pregnant, and it sounds like I'm saying, "Oh my God I hope I don't have twins or anything"....  It's not that I wouldn't love to have as many babies as I could. It's just that I am feeling a little unprepared. If we had more room in this house, and f we had more money, I would absolutely LOVE IT. Just like J Lo and Mariah Carey must be loving it. They can build the biggest house they want, and hire as many nannies as they could ever need. But for the average person, it might not be so easy.

Like I said, I would be extremely grateful and happy for any child or children God ever decides to give me, and I will consider it an extreme blessing, no matter what happens. Even if for some reason I am unable to have any children, I will look at the positive side and thank God for the fact that it would probably save me a lot of worry and possible heartache (the normal type that comes form being concerned about a child, your whole life) and remaining childless would enable me to be able to accomplish more of my own personal goals.  But of course I would rather have a baby. I already feel really fortunate for the fact that I have been able to afford to take fertility supplements, and that they have worked to get me pregnant in the past (even if one sadly ended in a miscarriage).  And I feel fortunate for the fact they seem to be working again. Regardless of whether this will be the "lucky month"... I am grateful.

EB

Pregnancy Boobs, weird cravings, and worrying about an ectopic (again)

I'm not sure if it's the progesterone cream I'm using or an actual pregnancy, but something is definitely going on with my boobs.

Last night at about 4am, my husband had to get up to go to the bathroom, and he accidentally pushed himself up by putting his hand on my left boob. Normally, this would make me go "Ow!"  But last night I sprang awake sounding like a machine gun of OWs..... "OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!"  

It seems like when your hormones are going nuts, your boobs just feel any kind of pain with a greater, amplified intensity that you can't quite imagine until someone gives them a good whack.

It might sound funny to be saying all this, when I don't even know for sure that I'm pregnant. I just took a pregnancy test, and got a BFN (yes I was kidding myself that I could wait two weeks to take one). I have to remind myself that it hasn't even been a week since I got a definitely-positive ovulation test.

But I've sure been feeling some weird symptoms. Not just the boob thing. Yesterday I was walking around with a slight sense of nausea, though I realize it could be my brain just playing tricks on me. Also, I've had insomnia every night, since that first night I woke up around 4am with some strange hormonal surge and couldn't get back to sleep. Another thing is, last night my hubby and I were watching the travel channel and they were showing what different American Fast Food chains serve as "regular food" in different countries. Normally this might kind of gross me out, but it seemed like every other thing made me go, "mmmm." I was craving a grilled cheese sandwich but we didn't have any bread. My sweet hubby offered to use one of the hot dog buns we had, though I didn't think that sounded very appetizing (though i have to say he is a GREAT cook). So he made me a bagel with egg, tomato and spinach. It was delicious.

Just as I was writing this, I felt a very sharp pang. Not quite like mittleschmerz, but in a different location... almost like where you would picture your tubes would be. I've always been a little paranoid that I could wind up with an ectopic pregnancy. And I'm especially concerned this time, because when I took an HCG test, I am pretty sure it was my right side that was somewhat blocked, but my left side was fine. Well, this is the first time I can remember ever feeling like I was ovulating from my right side (and I felt like I was ovulating from the left also) So I realize I could be at at an even higher risk for an ectopic, than the last time.

I did some more research to find out, if for some reason I did have an ectopic pregnancy, is there a chance that it could resolve itself. Meaning, could it just spontaneously abort without me having to have a tube removed? And it seems that the answer is, yes, it's possible. 

I think if this were to ever happen to me - if I found out that a pregnancy was definitely an ectopic, then I would start drinking parsley tea and vitamin C like crazy (two things that are known to end a pregnancy). The thought of a doctor going in there and removing a tube really scares me. Of course it would make me sad to have to take measures to end any kind of pregnancy, so I don't mean to sound crass or insensitive about it. I just don't want to jeopardize my own life in the process of trying to get pregnant. And you have to think about these things when you don't have health insurance! My husband and I have talked about getting it if and when I do get pregnant, but I don't have it yet. 

I wonder if going running could help move the egg along, and keep it from implanting in the wrong place. I've been doing a lot of "spinning" lately (opting for an exercise bike vs. running, because it's not as hard on my back) but now I feel like putting my running shoes on and going out for a jog...

Will keep you posted on how all this goes.

EB

Yeah, something is definitely going on

Well here I am, up at around 4:30 in the morning again. I woke up at around 2:30 this morning, unable to sleep because of the reality of the possibility of me being pregnant is actually starting to sink in.

Before I went to bed, I noticed my boobs are swollen. They just feel like they're a lot more full, like when I actually was pregnant in January. Also, my cat stepped on my abdomen yesterday and I yelped in pain. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but it was definitely unusual. My cat steps on my stomach all the time and it doesn't hurt at all. So I don't know if it's because there's extra blood down there or if it's because I rubbed progesterone cream down there or what, but... it sure wasn't my imagination. I also remember the last time I got pregnant, I had insomnia... for this same reason I'm up now. My brain couldn't shut off, while I kept thinking about the future and everything I was going to need to prepare for.

I realize it's still a little soon to talk about it... you never know what will happen, I could easily get my period and I don't want to be disappointed if that happens. But from the way my body is feeling, I'm almost positive that somehow, one of my hubby's sperm managed to meet one of my eggs, and my body is experiencing whatever happens right after that. Whether or not the pregnancy or pregnancies stick, is yet to be determined.

I'm pretty sure I've ovulated from both sides, so I'm not sure how this will turn out, but part of the reason I got up out of bed is I feel like I need to write out some kind of a plan. The bottom line is, I'm a little scared. And the truth is, I'm not just a little scared, I'm a lot scared.

Don't get me wrong, I will welcome any baby or babies God chooses to give me, and I am sure I will feel blessed and fortunate and grateful on day, God willing, if I am able to give birth to a healthy child.  I am just ... in hyper alert mode right now, thinking about the reality of what it would be like to have a child, or children, and I realize it's life changing.

It's funny how, logically I totally understand that parenthood changes you. Like, I've always said, if and when I have a baby one day, I know I can basically kiss my own life goodbye. It's all going to be about the baby, and their needs. And as my husband said, I am one of these people who really enjoys independence and likes to do my own thing. But I still have always wanted to be a Mom.

So, there's the logical side of you that knows you're going to have to kiss your own life goodbye, but you can't actually feel what that would feel like, until you are actually pregnant. It's a lot like, I'd always felt sympathetic towards people who had lost a parent, but until I lost my own father, I could not truly know what that felt like. I couldn't empathize. And now, I feel like, I can.

I am tempted to take a pregnancy test, knowing that in the event that I could have gotten pregnant as early as the first week of December, it could be positive. But I kind of don't want to spoil it. I know if I saw a negative result, it could make me anxious and who knows, I could lose the pregnancy from the anxiety. Sometimes I think that just thinking, "I'm not pregnant after all" can have a psychological effect on you, like, maybe you can talk your body into thinking it's not pregnant or that you're not meant to be pregnant, and it will be like a self fulfilling prophecy.

So, I'm going to hold off on the testing and just see what other kinds of symptoms arise.

Later,

EB

OK something weird is going on...

It's 4:37 in the morning and I am writing this because I couldn't sleep.

About half an hour ago in the middle of sleeping, I got a strange feeling. Like, a hormonal feeling, that was so strong it actually woke me up.

The last thing my husband said to me before we went to bed was, "How's your body?"  I told him I didn't feel anything new going on, though the one thing I did notice was that my boobs were slightly bigger. But that tends to always happen around the 3rd/4th week of my cycle anyway, so it was to be expected.

But just 4 hours later...  I just got this weird surge of hormones in my body. Something is definitely going on right now. Even when I was pregnant back in January, I don't think I ever got this feeling. Right now... I actually feel like I might be pregnant.

It could be that I just bought Progesterone cream last night. I ended up getting the Source Naturals brand (and love it by the way). I don't know if it was my imagination or what but, I was on my exercise bike for an hour last night, watching YouTube videos, and found myself laughing out loud like 3 different times.  I actually felt really good. I thought, is this my imagination? Could I really be feeling this much better, already, or were those stupid pet videos really that funny? I just put a little, maybe 1/4 teaspoon, on my hands, stomach, and arms.

My husband rubbed my back for me for about 15 minutes when we went to bed, bless his heart. I've been complaining about lower back pain for several weeks and it was sooo bad on Thursday night, when we went out to a show for date night. I drove the car and kept shifting around in my seat because I was so uncomfortable. Then all night I kept shifting around in my chair, trying to ease the pain. I was tempted to have a margarita to take some of the pain away but had a sprite instead.

It's funny how this hormonal surge is hitting me now, because I've felt unusually NON hormonal for the last 3 weeks. It seems that, when I first started back up on the Fertil Plus, my boobs were really sore, a lot of the time... though I'll admit now I can't remember if that was all the way through my cycle or just for the last 2 weeks of it. But I mean, they were sore.  I'd feel it when I'd go running. I've always been fairly flat chested and my boobs have never bothered me, but they got really sensitive on the Fertil Plus.

But I think maybe that was just because my body wasn't used to it, and maybe it just took a few months for my body to balance out.

.... OK so I actually went to bed and woke up again at 9:33 and am just posting this now. Still feeling something a little weird going on. Thank God a friend of mine just called because I was in such a deep slumber, I probably would not have woken up on my own.

I really want to have a Visalus Neuro. I'm not craving it like I was the other day, but I feel like I'm going to need a little caffeine to get me going, I'm pretty drowsy right now. The last time I was pregnant, I tried to avoid all caffeine and was a miserable wreck. This time I've decided... I'm just going to have to have some, and hope for the best. My sister swore it has nothing to do with a person's ability to get and maintain a pregnancy, but she was like 37 when she had her last child, and she also has a different body than mine. she had a pretty good amount of caffeine when she was pregnant and also breastfeeding, to the point where she says her daughter gets this twinkle in her eye when she smells coffee, like she wants it. 

If I were to be pregnant right now I would not be able to say for sure when I got pregnant. There have been so many days where I have gotten a "sort of positive" line on the ovulation strip, around December 7th.  Even as my period was just finishing (around the 1st or 2nd of the month), I was feeling like I could be ovulating, the toilet paper was so slippery (the combo of Fertile CM and Oil of Evening Primrose, AND Yams, AND Fertil Plus, AND He Shou Wu, could have something to do with it)...

OK I have to run of to meet my friend.  Will do another post soon to give an update on this hormonal surge.

EB

Working extra hard on TTC this month!!!

I'm in my 3rd month of taking Fertil Plus, and am not fooling around this time. This month I'm going all out. And right now I want to drink a Visalus Neuro soo bad, but I'm holding off, just for today, since it's the one day this month that I've had a DEFINITELY positive OPK test, and I wasn't able to have sex until about 8 hours after I took the test. I had been drinking Neuro daily, when I got pregnant last time, so I know it's pretty safe, I'm not producing nearly as much cervical mucus today, as I was yesterday, so I just want to hold off on the caffeine to increase whatever odds I may have.

In the past, I don't think I've ever had a particular month where I've really, really focused hard on trying to get pregnant. I think it's because I haven't wanted to be disappointed if it didn't happen. You hear all these stories of people saying they got pregnant when they weren't really trying, and that even happened to me, sort of (I kept taking the supplements, etc., but definitely had more of an attitude of, if it happens, great, if not, I'll be ok).

But this month, I'm like, screw it. I'm taking things more seriously this time. I got pregnant the last time, after about 3 months of being on Fertil Plus, and now I'm at about the 3 month mark again. But this time I've done even more stuff than I was doing last time (though I will admit I could be better at drinking extra water and exercising). 

I do realize there is a chance that, no matter WHAT I do, it just may not happen. Which would be disappointing, given all the work, time, and money I've put into trying to have a baby, but I just have to prepare myself for that. I feel like, I'm probably doing just as much work as someone who's doing IVF (time wise), only it's costing me a lot less money. Still, though... it's not cheap. I do have to pay for the supplements, etc., that I'm taking, and when you add up the cost of every single thing I'm doing, the cost is probably about $400 a month (true, I have included the cost of my Visalus Core Kit, which is about $200/mo, even though I like it so much I would be taking it whether or not I was trying to get pregnant). 

I had sex two days ago when the hubby got home from work. I'd noticed a lot of cervical mucus on the toilet paper, and then got this moderately positive test.  I took precautionary measures to try to make sure my hubby's sperm went in the right direction....

... so I backed up to the wall with my feet in the air, hoping it would help the sperm enter my cervix. I could only do this for about 10 minutes though, because it hurt my neck to sit like that. After that, I just lay in bed with my butt propped up with a pillow, like I did when I got pregnant in January.

We didn't have sex again until today at about 5:00.  So it's been 48 hrs. since the last time. I know they say that sperm can live for 5 days inside a woman's body (though apparently that's the MAX), but I've never quite been sure if that would be the case for me (me and my hostile cervical fluid). I feel like, I should have sex RIGHT when the OPK turns dark, but sometimes that just isn't possible.

But I did just learn that, apparently, sperm has a much better chance of survival if it actually makes it into the uterus, cervix or fallopian tubes. So as you can see, I'm doing my best to help it get there!

For the last week, my ovaries have been going a little nuts. Right now I'm feeling mittelschmerz on both sides, no kidding (it must be the yams). I usually just feel it on the left, and to be honest can't even picture a time when I've ever felt it on the right, but this time it is DEFINITELY on the right (it's on the left too, but stronger on the right). 

And this is one of only about 3 times that I've seen my OPK test strip turn really dark (one of those times being the time I got pregnant). You can see today's test strip in this picture, it's the strip at the bottom dated 12/14.  I should note there are 2 strips at the top of the photo that have a super dark line but those are pregnancy tests (you can see the blue bit in the top strip), and that dark line is the "constant" line (not the "positive" line) anyway. The 3 random test strips on the right are ones that fell on the ground and I don't know what day I took them, but I'm putting it here to show I was ovulating on one of those days. As you can see, I'm not the best about keeping good track and writing the dates next to them. But I'm showing you this photo so you can see that it looks like I've had more than one fertile day this month. I usually just test once a day, but today I tested twice. Once at about 2 AM, the other time  at about 10 AM. 

FYI today, 12/14, is day 17 of my cycle. 

Today I was really stressing out (to the point where I was actually crying) about the fact that my OPK kit turned REALLY positive right after my husband left for work (and we hadn't had sex for 2 days). The last time that happened (where I got a really positive test after he left for work), I did not get pregnant. Though it's true, I wasn't doing as many "fertility enhancing" things as I am right now (and this time, even my husband is taking better care of his health).  But just having the anxiety of knowing that it didn't work out the last time, makes it hard for me not to think about it again. It blows my mind that you can be doing aaaaalll this stuff to improve your chances, but if you just don't have sex at that exact, right moment, you can totally blow it. All that work you just did for the last month, taking pills at the right time, drinking vegetable shakes... doesn't matter, you still have to start over. But on the positive side, I know the longer I am taking care of my health THIS well, the better my egg quality will probably be.

I forced myself to drink a huge broccoli shake today, and skipped the orange juice that I normally put in it, because I was worried the acid from the OJ might kill off some of the sperm, and  decided it was better to be safe than sorry. That orange juice makes a huge difference. It was NOT fun to drink that way, but I just forced myself to down the whole thing. Like I said, I want a Neuro so bad, but I'm made myself drink 2 V8's on ice instead. Just like how last night was date night w/the hubby and I really wanted a margarita, but had a sprite instead.

So anyway, we had sex around 5:00 today and I've spent the last 5 hours just laying in bed, mostly.  The last time I got pregnant, I had gone to bed right after sex and stayed there for something like 12 hours. I woke up feeling annoyed with myself because I hadn't been productive, but when I found out it got me pregnant, I realized, I'd been more productive than ever!

This is the list of what I'm taking / doing:

-Fertil Plus, 3x a day

-Pycnogenol, 100mg, 2-3x a day

-Fertile CM, 3x a day right after my period ends, for about 2-3 weeks (I keep taking it because I am one of those people whom I think ovulates at random times, possibly more than once a month).  (I take the Fertil Plus, Pycnogenol, and Fertile CM together, soon as I wake up), then at 3pm, then at 10. If I forget, I take two or even three at a time, but usually I remember.

-Oil of Evening Primrose, 2-3x a day (week 2-4 of my cycle)

-Ground Flaxseed, about 2 tbsp. / day (w/veggie smoothie)

-Ground Pumpkinseed, about 2 tbsp. / day  (w/veggie smoothie)

-Vegetable smoothies (made from any combo of kale, spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, any dark leafy vegetable, mixed with juice, frozen fruit, the flaxseed/pumpkinseed mentioned above), 1 tsp. maca, 1 tsp. Fertili-Tea, and Visalus Vi-Shape Mix (1 scoop per smoothie... and I'll have 2-3 per day).

-Visalus Vi-Pak Vitamins (AM and PM)

-Visalus Vi-Shape Mix (as mentioned above - it's part of the Vi-Pak)

-Visalus Neuro  - This is my caffeine allowance for the day. I am one of these people who needs at least a little caffeine every day, and I love this stuff becaues it gives me a great buzz, with just 40 mg. of caffeine, and doesn't dehydrate me like coffee or even decaf, does). 

-CoEnzyme Q10 (I've been taking 200-400 mg. per day for the last 3 months). I've done this in the hopes of improving my egg quality. 

-Eating 1-2 yams per day

-Using Preseed (a half-half mixture of PreSeed and Astroglide Natural) every time I have sex. I inject it with the applicator, right after sex (doing it beforehand makes me way too slippery). 

There is a part of me that doesn't want to post this, because there's this superstitious part of me that feels like, it's not good to talk about things too soon. What if there are people who read this and actually don't wish me well, and hope that it all fails, and then I don't get pregnant and I'll kick myself thinking, I never should have posted that so soon. 

But Suze Orman talks about "standing in your truth."  And this is my truth. This is what I've been doing for the last 3 months. I don't know if any of it is going to work, but I am hopeful. Those who are happy for me, will be happy if I get pregnant. Those who are thinking I'm going to fall on my face and none of this will work, will have been right, but so what? It doesn't change the fact that this is what I'm doing, no matter what. This is me. This is my truth. 

I may end up not having children, but at the very least I want to show people what I'm doing so that maybe they can learn from my mistakes, and some of my successes. There could be a day where I just throw in the towel and decide, OK I've had enough, I'm done trying to get pregnant. There is a big part of me that would be sad about never having kids, but I also know that I'd be free to do more things. But of course, right now, I just want the thing that I've always wanted, since I was a little kid.  I want to be a Mom. I love kids. I love to read to them, I love to help them and encourage them and praise them and guide them. I can't imagine there could be any job more heartwarming and rewarding, than being a mother.

You just have to keep looking at the postitive side of things, and the most important thing is, KEEP THE FAITH, that whatever happens, will be for the best. 

What kind of yams are you supposed to eat, to increase your fertility? I think I've found the answer...

You'd think there would be more posts about this "yam" subject, but... I couldn't seem to find any that gave me an answer I was satisfied with. The confusing thing is, some people say the regular "yams" we're used to eating, are actually "sweet potatoes" so the regular kind you get in the grocery store won't work. Some people say you have to get the "African Yams."  So one day I went out and looked for African Yams, and had to travel like 30 miles to find a store in my area that sold them, and not only was I still not sure I was buying the right kind, but they did not taste good at ALL.

I wanted to shout... can somebody please just tell me WHAT kind of yams you are supposed to eat???

Well, I'm no expert, but... I really do think the kinds of yams you're supposed to eat, to increase your fertility are just the regular old yams you get in the regular supermarket, or your typical Asian or Mexican market. And the reason I think that is, I've eaten a LOT of yams in the last 2 weeks, and I feel like my ovaries are working on overdrive.

When I got pregnant in January, I was eating lots of these "regular" yams. But I was doing a ton of other fertility enhancing things too, so I was never quite sure if my getting pregnant had anything to do with the yams. I basically stopped eating them for almost a year, but this month I started eating them regularly again, and have even upped my yammage (sometimes I actually eat 2 a day).

For the last 3 months, I've been doing all the same fertility enhancing things I did back in January, in order to get pregnant (you can read about those things here), except for eating the yams.

But then about a month ago I started eating them again. For the last week, my ovaries feel like they're going a little haywire (and I am NOT complaining!). I have been feeling mittelschmerz simultaneously on my left side AND right side this month (and I almost never, ever feel it on my right side). I've been feeling it on both sides for a WEEK. I am not kidding. And there are only three things I've been doing differently this month, as opposed to the last month, and one of those things is eating at least one yam every day. The second thing I did differently is, I started using ground pumpkin seeds in my shakes (I blend Flaxseed and Pumpkin Seeds    together). I had done that when I got pregnant in January, but stopped doing it till about a month a go. The third thing is, I've taken a few doses of "He Shou Wu" (more about that further down in this post).

So anyway... rest assured, you do not  have to go out and look for 5 pound African tubers, or look for a place where you can special order them online. You can do just fine with plain, old yams. The great thing about it is, they taste good after you cook them, and they are CHEAP. True, they were on sale in this picture (50 cents a pound!!!), but they are never more than like 80 cents a pound at this place. I just eat one kind of small one a day. It's maybe the same size/weight as a small banana.

I just cook them in the oven on either a cake baking tin or cookie sheet, I think I cooked them at like 350 degrees and had to leave 'em in there for almost an hour, they seem to take forever to cook all the way. But when you do, they are really good, and super sweet (love when they get all carmelized - yummy!).  I've also tried cutting them up and frying them... they're pretty good that way, and I especially love to do this with garlic. But honestly I am just too lazy to cut them all up if I'm eating 1-2 per day.

The way I usually eat them, to be honest, is to blend them into a veggie smoothie. Here is my recipe for a fertility smoothie, that seemed to work pretty darn well for me. I started feeling "ovary pangs" about a day after I drank this (about day 5 or 7 of my cycle... sorry I can't remember exactly... it was shortly after my period ended).

-1 small or medium sized yam
-1 banana
-Filtered water (I start by putting in about 1 cup, then add more to thin it out)

-ViSalus VI-Shape Nutritional Shake Mix    (1 or 2 scoops, though I usually just need 1)

-1 teaspoon FertiliTea (yes, I just blend it right into the shake, instead of drinking it... gives the whole thing a nice minty taste).
-1 tsp. Maca Powder
-1 tsp. Ground Flaxseed

-1 tsp. ground Pumpkin Seeds   
And I'll sometimes throw in some kind of vegetable, like a little kale or broccoli or something. Not much, maybe 1/4 cup, and I just do it cause I am eating a TON of veggies these days and have so much in the fridge.

Just a little warning, here... the combination of the yam plus the banana will inevitably make the shake so thick, it will look more like a some kind of party dip, than a shake. So I just keep adding more and more water till it's thinned out enough to drink.

OK so here is a quick list of the other things I'm doing / taking regularly:



-FertileCM  (I start taking this right after my period ends, till it starts up again, since my ovulation days are so unpredictable).

-Oil of evening Primrose    (darnit the price for a bottle at Trader Joe's went up, from $5.99 to $7.99!!!... but still worth it of course). Like with the Fertile CM, I take 2 a day right after my period ends, with meals.


- Mucus Relief (Guaifenesin) tablets. (I took the Walgreens "Mucus Relief" brand, but you can get Guafinesin on Amazon... any basic kind should work... but be sure you do not take any kind of cold medication like Robitussin if it is called Robitussin DM (as Robitussin is rumored to be "the thing to take" when TTC)... and I think I'd heard Robitussin CM may also be something to avoid). You can read my post on Guafinesin tablets here.To be on the safe side I just went with the straight-up Guafinesin (Mucus Relief) tabs. I take these after my period stops, also. Maybe day 5 or 6 of my cycle.

-FertiliTea:  (you knew that). I just have it once a day, usually, in my shake.
-Maca Powder   1-2 tsps per day (I'll have the second tsp in a second shake - a veggie shake - that I'll drink in the evening). By the way I love this brand... it's organic, and a great price for a 2 lb. bag on Amazon.


ViSalus Core Kit {30 Meals, 5 Health Mix-Ins, Neuro, VI-PAK}




And of course, I'm trying to have lots of sex AND make sure to use PreSeed right after.

I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job of "increasing my odds" this month, for the most part. But I realize I could have been better about two things: exercising daily (I keep thinking I'm going to do it, then get busy and never get around to it), and  drinking LOTS of water. I sometimes forget since I feel like I drink so much liquid by doing the veggie shakes that I don't feel the need to drink any more water (each shake I make is like the size of a Big Gulp... I kid you not, I have to stand there and sometimes force myself to finish it all). But it probably wouldn't be a bad habit!


So about the (He Shou Wu (Shou Wu Chih)  I've had a few doses (a few tablespoons at a time, is what I took) of something called "Shou Wu" (you can read more about it in this other post I did). I recently read that it can help enhance your fertility. I actually bought it years ago, because I'd heard that it can help your gray hair turn dark again, but I was scared to take it again because I didn't want anything to mess up my fertility.

But I am so sick of dyeing my gray hair (and I have to do this a LOT because the Visalus vitamins are like prenatal vitamins... my hair grows soo fast!). So I decided to look it up and lo and behold it is actually a fertility enhancer.  I can tell you, I felt mittelschmerz within a day or two of drinking it, along with my fertility shake.  I actually like the taste... reminds me of Vanilla extract. I realize, the mittelschmerz may have been caused by the yams, who knows. But at least, my drinking it, didn't seem to prevent me from having all these fertility signs! FYI you can get He Shou Wu (Shou Wu Chih)at just about any Asian grocery store. Luckily there are a lot of them in San Francisco.

OK time to go exercise. For real.

EB