Monday, February 9, 2009

Stress and pregnancy

I actually think I may not have even ovulated this month. I'm 16 days into my cycle and was so overly-caffeinated this month i think i probably skipped the ovulation altogether. Understandably, my boyfriend is a little worried this is a bad time for me to try to get pregnant (he already has 2 kids and is having a hard time making ends meet in this economy). I was like, "don't worry honey, I probably won't get pregnant this month - I'm doing like, every 'anti-fertility' thing - drinking coffee, stressing out, not taking any more fertility supplements because i ran out and can't afford to buy any more. And i haven't given up alcohol entirely, either. Anyway, I know he's thinking, yeah, RIGHT, as soon as I give him the "don't worry honey" speech I'll probably get knocked right up. But seriously. I've never felt more INfertile in my life.

I also took a bunch of diet coke home from work - they were getting rid of it because it was past the expiration date (as if I care about that). I remember looking at all those cans, thinking, if i actually keep these in my kitchen i'll probably end up drinking them all and that would NOT be good for my fertility...

And that's exactly what I did.

I am so stressed out right now, because of money. I took a job that doesn't pay all my bills (but I did so because I needed the free time in the AM to work on another business venture that's hopefully about to come to fruition). I KNEW it was going to be a tough few months until I started making money with this side project. And sure enough - yeah, it's been super tough. I've had to borrow money from friends and family and it just makes me sick, I really hate having to do that and it bothers me so much every day that I can't pay everyone back right now. It seems like the stress is just compounding itself. I honestly can't picture myself being able to get pregnant when my body is in this kind of state.

I am so stressed out, and also broke, that I can't afford to do a lot of things I think could help my fertility - like seeing a fertility doctor, or a chiropractor, or continue to take FertilAid, FertileCM and Maca (I've run out of the first two and still have some maca but will probably run out soon). I couldn't even conceive of taking clomid. I can't even afford the co-pay for a regular doctor right now. I am just really hoping that things will change within the next month or two. I've been putting a lot of work into this side business and if it pays off, I am just praying I will be able to pay everyone back and my body will be able to get to a state where I can actually conceive.

On a side note - the fertility statues are actually on tour right now and will be in San Francisco in April, I believe. I am really hoping I'll be in a better situation by then!!

No comments: