Thursday, May 10, 2012

The POSITIVE side of a Miscarriage

Today I did a Google search to see if anyone else had written anything, on the positive side of a miscarriage. I know that may sound insane to some people, but I have always been a big believer that for every bad thing, there is a good thing that comes out of it. Even if it doesn't seem possible at the time. To my surprise, I couldn't find a single post on the subject. You can usually find just about anything on google, but I didn't find anything about there being a single positive effect of having a miscarriage. I guess I do understand it, but... it just seems like a shame, because if you can't look at the positive side of the situation, then it's like, that poor little baby died completely in vain, and I don't want to see it like that.

I want to look at it like, that baby - small as it was, and as short-lived as it's life was -  helped me in some way.  It did not die in vain. It just had a tiny chance to be here on earth, and it made the world a better place in the short time that it was here.

Several years ago, a friend of mine had a miscarriage, in her second trimester, and was pretty traumatized. My sister pointed out to her that, that tiny baby boy did a lot of good for her, during its short life. That baby boy, that never got the chance to walk or talk, actually got his mother to quit smoking. He got his mother to eat healthier. And he brought his mother and father closer together. I was really touched and inspired by my sister's perspective on the whole situation, and it helped our girl friend, too.  She now has two beautiful, healthy kids and is a very proud mom!

It's been about 2 months since my miscarriage, and I am feeling great. My body feels really good, I feel healthy and strong and ready to try to get pregnant again. My last period was actually a really "good one." I bled a lot, but I was happy about it, because I haven't had a period like that since my 20's or early 30's, and it made me feel young again. It was kind of a strange period... there was a lot of slipper stuff that came out during the first week. I think I was actually ovulating. I had very noticeable sharp pains in my ovaries - just like I get when I ovulate, only these were a little stronger than usual - and it was while I was in the middle of my period. So I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that my period arrived today.  Yes, I was a little disappointed. I had still been hoping for some sort of miracle, that I could get pregnant right away after the miscarriage, and even have a baby born in the year of the Dragon. But it just wasn't meant to be.

My last period lasted for about 8-10 days - maybe even a week - honestly, I can't remember the exact number of days it was, but I remember telling my husband it was unusually long, and heavy. I remember answering the door at my workplace and escorting a guest to the person they were supposed to meet, and feeling myself bleeding heavily and praying that the pantyliner I was wearing, would be enough for me to make it from the front of the building to the middle, where I was escorting the guests. I didn't expect it to be so heavy.  But I was glad. Because I knew it was my body's way of getting rid of some of the "extra" stuff I'd been carrying around, since I opted not to have a D & C.

The doctor at Planned Parenthood was very much against me skipping the D & C. She took a look at my ultrasound and said I have a lot of stuff left in my uterus, and said there's a very high chance of infection, which I refused to believe. Seriously? Women have been having miscarriages for millions of years - do you really expect me to believe that there's over a 50% chance I'm going to have some kind of life threatening infection by me having just one? I decided to let mother nature take her course. Yes, I was a little concerned, but not that concerned. Especially after talking to my granola hippie sister, who opted to have her two births without any kind of medical intervention. She doesn't trust doctors or their intentions, and I usually tend to agree with her.

Anyway, a few days ago I was starting to think I might be pregnant. I didn't feel pregnant, but I was having pretty heavy white discharges, as I did when I was pregnant in January. And also, the thing I really noticed was that I didn't have any pain with orgasm, even though I seemed to be due for my period (as it was around day 30 of my cycle). Which is very unusual for me. For the last three years, I've had to endure intensive cramping almost every time I have an orgasm, if it's within a few days of me getting my period. I just had an orgasm a couple of days ago, but there was no pain whatsoever. And I just started my period today. The thing that made me realize I was pregnant, 3 months ago, was the fact that I didn't have any pain with orgasm. Something must be up!

So, I can't help but believe that there is something positive that has come out of this pregnancy. I'm not sure if my past "orgasm pain" was caused by a fibroid, or polyp, or excess old tissue, or what, but somehow, I feel like, my uterus is now healthier than ever. I feel like my periods are getting back to how they used to be, and I want to thank my last baby - tiny as it was - for that.

I am also feeling very grateful that, at the very least, I know what it's like to get pregnant. For the longest time, I had no idea, and it was just this thing that everyone else talked about and knew about, except me. Well, now I know.  And although I never got to know the joys of delivering a full term baby, I feel like I have an understanding that I never used to before.

This past month has been a hard one for me. I am no longer working at the temp assignment I was before - but I am feeling more positive than ever. I have a completely different career that I am pursuing, and I feel GREAT about it.  Good things are happening for me right now, and I am starting to train for a marathon again. I just bought a ton of healthy food the other day, from Costco, and am back to drinking my veggie shakes. Things are looking good.

For anyone who's been through a miscarriage - I really feel your pain. It just sucks, there's no way around it. But if you can find it in you to look for anything positive that's come from it - even if it's just that you have more of an appreciation now, for the fact that you were able to get pregnant at all (which some people can't, no matter how hard they try), you will surely be a better person for it.

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