Stress and pregnancy

I actually think I may not have even ovulated this month. I'm 16 days into my cycle and was so overly-caffeinated this month i think i probably skipped the ovulation altogether. Understandably, my boyfriend is a little worried this is a bad time for me to try to get pregnant (he already has 2 kids and is having a hard time making ends meet in this economy). I was like, "don't worry honey, I probably won't get pregnant this month - I'm doing like, every 'anti-fertility' thing - drinking coffee, stressing out, not taking any more fertility supplements because i ran out and can't afford to buy any more. And i haven't given up alcohol entirely, either. Anyway, I know he's thinking, yeah, RIGHT, as soon as I give him the "don't worry honey" speech I'll probably get knocked right up. But seriously. I've never felt more INfertile in my life.

I also took a bunch of diet coke home from work - they were getting rid of it because it was past the expiration date (as if I care about that). I remember looking at all those cans, thinking, if i actually keep these in my kitchen i'll probably end up drinking them all and that would NOT be good for my fertility...

And that's exactly what I did.

I am so stressed out right now, because of money. I took a job that doesn't pay all my bills (but I did so because I needed the free time in the AM to work on another business venture that's hopefully about to come to fruition). I KNEW it was going to be a tough few months until I started making money with this side project. And sure enough - yeah, it's been super tough. I've had to borrow money from friends and family and it just makes me sick, I really hate having to do that and it bothers me so much every day that I can't pay everyone back right now. It seems like the stress is just compounding itself. I honestly can't picture myself being able to get pregnant when my body is in this kind of state.

I am so stressed out, and also broke, that I can't afford to do a lot of things I think could help my fertility - like seeing a fertility doctor, or a chiropractor, or continue to take FertilAid, FertileCM and Maca (I've run out of the first two and still have some maca but will probably run out soon). I couldn't even conceive of taking clomid. I can't even afford the co-pay for a regular doctor right now. I am just really hoping that things will change within the next month or two. I've been putting a lot of work into this side business and if it pays off, I am just praying I will be able to pay everyone back and my body will be able to get to a state where I can actually conceive.

On a side note - the fertility statues are actually on tour right now and will be in San Francisco in April, I believe. I am really hoping I'll be in a better situation by then!!

Mid-Cycle Bleeding

I get this quite a bit now (though I never really got it during my 20's or 30's). I have heard that this is fairly common but have started to think maybe it's something I should look up. The bleeding seems pretty regular now - I almost always get it about 2 weeks after the first day of my last period. Not enough to count as a period, but it seems that the egg-white cervical mucus is often tainted with a small amount of blood. There was one time, a few months back, where I thought maybe it was implanation bleeding, but I know it could have just been normal spotting in my cycle.

Anyway, here's a pretty good link I found online:

http://pregnancy.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Bleeding_During_Ovulation

They actually said that if you have mid-cycle bleeding every month, you may be able to predict when you'll ovulate. Cool! But they did say you should make sure the bleeding isn't caused by something else, like fibroids, etc..

If I could actually afford to see a doctor or fertility specialist right now, I would. But due to some financial things going on in my life right now, i just can't afford it. Even though I have health insurance, I can't even afford the co-pay at this time. I'm hoping that things will be a lot better for me in a few months (I have a business that's just starting to take off), but for the past few months I've been seriously scraping by. I am hoping that when the stress in my life is reduced, it'll be easier for me to get pregnant. At age 40 I can't be dicking around too much longer!

Maca Magic!

By coincidence, I learned about Maca while I was in Indonesia (Bali) last week with my boyfriend (my brother was getting married there). We were in a convenience store, stocking up on water and beverages to last us a few days, and while cruising down an aisle full of candles and incense, I looked up and saw this purple bottle on a shelf (with cold medications on it) that said "MACA." The tiiiiny little word "fertility" on the bottle caught my eye (it's funny how you hear about new mothers developing the "mommy ear" for danger, etc. with their kids, and I've got the "fertility ear" - ears and eyes for women with ticking clocks...I bet 50 people would have walked past that little bottle and the word "fertility" jumped right out at me!).

Anyway this is the photo:



I took this picture of it because I wanted to look it up when I got home. Sure enough, there's a ton of info about maca online, including testimonials and discussions from women who have used maca to get pregnant. It sounds really promising. Here are some of the discussions I found, with people saying they really think it worked:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/archive/index.php/t-897437.html

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=885433

http://www.peruvian-maca.com/faq.php?faq_id=39&category_id=14
http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/308189
http://forum.canadianparents.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=502182


Maca grows in Peru, waaaay up in the mountains, at very high altitudes. The women in Peru have taken this stuff for a long time, to icrease fertily. Studies have shown it even increases fertility in animals, and also increases sperm count in men, AND sexual desire AND energy levels in men and women!

I went out and bought a jar of the stuff at whole foods today (see photo below). And here's some info about the particular brand, Maca Magic, which is grown organically. http://www.macamagic.com/storyofmaca.html



I just love it that they have a page where you can meet the growers, who practice sustainable farming methods: http://www.macagrower.com/index.html


The women in the discussion forums made it sound like it has the worst smell in the universe. I didn't think it was actually so bad (compared to what they said). I put a little over 1/2 tsp. into about a cup of water, shook it and drank it. It has a kind of malty smell/flavor. Not exactly like regular malt, but close enough so I could get used to it. Could be a lot worse!

Here's a pretty good video about it:



And lastly, I found this really cool video that shows how one company manufactures maca, to get it into capsule form. Interesting stuff!






12/17/08 - just wanted to post an update on my experience with maca. I've been taking it for about 2 1/2 weeks and the stuff is awesome. This may sound like TMI but...I have not felt this wet "down there" since I was in my early 20s (I'm 40 now). At one point while I was ovulating, it actually felt like I was having my period. My boyfriend even commented that the sex was better and he actually said "you just feel amaaaaazing." I kid you not. This stuff rocks. I cannot say that it made me have better orgasms - and at one point it actually seemed like i couldn't have one - maybe my expectations were too high, as i just assumed that since i was so wet i SHOULD be able to have one pretty easily, and started getting anxious/annoyed when it just wasn't happening : D. But on the positive side, I can't help thinking that it's got to be doing SOMEthing to increase my fertility, and at the very least, it feels good to know i'm not totally drying up down there. I've even been drinking way more coffee and caffeine than usual (and almost no water... i know... not good). Usually this would make me feel really dry all around, but it's not - particularly not "down there." It's like it's the opposite.


I should also note that I have been making more of an effort to take vitamins on a regular basis, but I honestly think the Maca is what made the biggest difference. I started out using 1/2 teaspoon and then just went ahead and put a whole teaspoonful into my yogurt every day or every other day. Luckily the smell is totally bearable to me. It also helped me sleep better at night (i did see some people said it gave them weird dreams but that wasn't the case for me). by the way - maca is what they call an "adaptogen." this means that it somehow knows if your body is off balance, and the maca helps put your body back in balance. i know this page will explain it better:

http://macaroot.com/benefits/index.html


it also has over 60 phytonutrients! you can read more about it's nutritional properties here:

http://http://macaroot.com/nutrients/index.html Interesting stuff!!

I would highly recommend maca to anyone.

Using a Midwife

My sister used a midwife for both her births and I've considered going that route for a while, IF I should ever be so lucky as to get pregnant. I don't know if I'd REALLY have the guts to do it (I consider myself to be a pretty ballsy person but...my sister is like... warrior woman). The thought of giving up all chances of a last minute epidural freaks me out a little (you hear so many women say they were dead set on taking the natural route and then at the last minute they were like, GIMME THE DRUGS!!!!!!!!). In the event that I did feel brave enough to go there, I wanted to save this resource here. It's a website about midwives, and I found this link via the woman who posted the page about her beautiful cervix (she's a midwife). I'd like to use the woman my sister used but she's in another state.

http://cfmidwifery.org/find/

I recently qualified for health insurance, so it is tempting to think, IF I got pregnant I'd rather go the hospital route - just for the painkillers. But the thing I don't like about regular hospitals is - the way traditional western births are set up. It's set up to accomodate the doctors and nurses more than the woman in labor.

When you think about it, it is waaaay more natural to give birth in a squatting position, rather than laying on your back. The only reason women give birth laying on their backs is so that the doctor and nurse can see what's going on, more easily. I mean, I get it, but... I just think it's unnatural to try to squeeze out something so big, when you're laying in a horizontal position. Seems a lot more natural to use GRAVITY. Can you imagine trying to relieve yourself in the bathroom, sitting on your side? Only we're talking about something a whole lot bigger than that.

OK I'm even grossing MYSELF out here. I guess that's my cue to get back to work.

Things I didn't know about the Female Cervix

(Please note these photos are not necessarily in order of a woman's cycle... and no this is not MY cervix - credit goes to www.sisterzeus.com)

Note #2- you may not want to let your boyfriend see these... mine just freaked out a little when I sent him the link. His reaction was like, "UGH!!!! I'm never putting my dick in a vagina again! I'm joining the priesthood..." I guess there's a good reason our cervixes can't normally be seen on our bodies. But whatever. It's a part of the female body. I'll give the bf another 48 hours to forget about the priesthood : D.
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For a few months now I've been trying to figure out where my cervix is. This may sound silly to someone who already knows, but i've been pretty clueless. Even if I stick my finger up there in the shower, I'm never quite sure if I'm feeling the right thing.

The thing that gets me is, the thing that I keep THINKING is my cervix just seems waaay too far up there for any sperm to actually want to head that way. If I were a sperm, I think I would be a lot more inclined to head left or right - not directly into the tiny little hole that's at the top of the cervix. I'm not sure if I think that way because I'm a little ADD, bad with directions and tend to get lost easily(therefore I think that's what the sperm will do once they're on my turf), or if I just have a negative attitude, but... with all the different curves and crevices in a vagina, it's just hard for me to imagine them going to the right place. I think the sperm will feel like I did on my last trip to IKEA - totally lost and unsure of which direction to go.


The thing I don't understand is... with all that space all around the cervix (on the sides, etc), why would the sperm go into that tiny little hole. I'm trying to think of an analogy... it's like... say your cervix was a lightbulb (with a small hole in the bottom) screwed into a light fixture at the top of a ceiling, and you were a firefly. If you were continuously trying to move in an upward direction, would you be inclined to fly directly into that tiny little hole, or move to the side of the bulb and just head straight to the top of the light fixture? I imagine like 99% of the fireflies would rather move to the side and head for the top of the fixture, going around the bulb completely and getting stuck in the sides, and only like one percent, IF that, would figure out that they're supposed to be actually going INTO the bulb.
In videos like these, they make it look like all the sperm know exactly which way to go and what to do, and I just don't see it really happening like this (yes i do realize it's a cartoon, but... still...)



Sometimes I feel like, in order to get pregnant, I'd be much better off doing "backwards visualizations." Rather than WANTING the sperm to find my cervix, I have to practically think of my cervix as being this precious, sacred thing that I'm actually hoping the sperm will stay far, far away from - this way, I could practically guarantee at least a few of those buggers would somehow find their way in there - just to trip me up.

Another visualization that could work better might be something like this:



My sister has this theory that there's a correlation between erratic lifestyles and pregnancy. Mind you, this is not the same thing as a stressful life and pregnancy. I think it's like this. If your life is really erratic and you're all over the place, the last thing you want is a pregnancy... but then whoop, there it is. Meanwhile, there are other people in this world who want everything to be perfect and they stress out about little things like - namely - getting pregnant. Those are the people who find it just about impossible to get knocked up, because they're focusing way too hard on it and are trying way too hard to control the situation, rather than letting nature take it's course.

Anyway - I digress. I actually started this entry to focus on the cervix.

I thought this article (where I got the cervix pictures from) was just great. It shows pictures of the cervix in the "proper order." I had to look up the definition of an "OS" - that just means the opening of your cervix.

Here's the article: http://www.sisterzeus.com/cervob.htm

And the online definition of an OS: http://pregnancy.about.com/od/laborbasics/g/cervicalos.htm

This is also a great site: "My beautiful cervix." It's awesome, this woman took some great photos (again - may not want to show em to your partner, but... an interesting fact: the gal who posted these actually got her BOYFRIEND to take the photos. So if my honey happens to be reading this: hey babe at least I didn't ask you to go there).http://mybeautifulcervix.googlepages.com/

And this site shows some good drawings of changes in cervical mucus, and how sperm can either be helped or hurt by different types of mucus.

http://www.sisterzeus.com/mucob.htm

I still don't really understand why it is that your cervix would be HIGHER when you're most fertile (you'd think it would be lower so the sperm would have an easier time reaching it) but I guess that's just another one of the mysteries of life.

A Highly Recommended Female Fertility Specialist

Over a year ago I saw some kind of discussion online where women were raving about a woman in San Rafael named Anca Sira. She's an acupuncturist and has helped many, many women get pregnant and have healthy babies. From her testimonials, it really sounds like she's a very caring and empathetic doctor. My favorite testimonial is from a woman who had her first baby at age 44 without the use of fertility drugs.

Part of the reason I'm putting this post here is because I want to remember her webpage. If I can afford to see next year, I'm planning on it!

This is her website:

http://www.ancasira.com/home.html

I don't know what she charges. I am guessing she's not terribly cheap, as I'm imagining every moderately infertile woman living in Marin must want to see her.

If I can't afford to see Anca, I want to see this lady. She's located a little closer to where I live and her prices seem very reasonable.

http://www.fertilitychinesemedicine.com/physicians.htm

More fertility videos - courtesy of NBC

Eastern approaches to Infertility:

And one on male infertility. This was really interesting. One of the subjects is an NBC cameraman whose mother convinced him to bank his sperm before he had chemotherapy which would render him sterile. The sperm was over 20 years old when they did in-vitro. They spent $90K and 4 years working on their baby: