I think that, if you could rate a person's desire to have a baby, on a scale of 1-10... "10" being someone who wants a baby more than anything in life, and a "1" being, someone who has never wanted a kid in their entire life... I'd be at about an 8.5 right now. I'd say last month I was probably at about a 9.5... and it was making me crazy. I've gone down a slight notch, and am feeling a lot better. It's not that I don't want a kid, but I am just feeling a lot less pressure, and I'm not letting it drive me nuts. I think 8.5 is a safe place to be, because I still really want a kid, and yet I'm leaving some room for the possibility that, given my age, things could genuinely be out of my control at this point.
I remember when I was in my 30's, I had a friend who was telling me about a couple of her friends who were in their mid-40's, still trying to have a baby, and I was like, good luck with that! To me, it sounded impossible... and now here I am, in that same position. It's like, when you're young and go to a club and you see people in their late 30's and 40's there and you think, what in the world are they doing there? They must be delusional! Don't they realize how old they are??? And now I guess karma is biting me in the ass, for thinking those things.
Yep, karma's a bitch all right.
I feel like, I was pretty self centered while I was pregnant. I mean, on one hand, I think it was pretty good of me to give up caffeine and try to eat extra healthy and I even sang songs to the baby and talked to it. I wanted it to be happy and strong and healthy. And yet... I just hated how crappy and anxious and worried I felt!
But suddenly, all I could think was, "Oh my God. I'm going to have one of these.... I'm going to have a REAL BABY. And it's not like, this temporary thing. I'm going to have a baby attached to my hip, all the time, every day of the week, every week of the month, every month of the year, every year for the next 18 years." I was basically freaking out inside. My brother asked me if I could watch her for a while while they were packing. I said sure. And I took her outside and we just kind of strolled around the perimeter of the apartment complex where they lived, and... I just couldn't block those thoughts out of my head: Oh my God, how am I going to handle this, all day, every day. When am I ever going to get time to myself again? I know... it sounds horrible to say this. But I have to be honest... that is exactly what I was thinking. The half an hour I spent watching her, by myself, felt like an eternity.
I know there are people out there who just plain KNOW they do not want kids. I know three people who have ALWAYS known, they do not want kids. For whatever reason, they can just feel it in their gut somehow. I almost wish I could be one of those people, because it would make my life so much simpler! I could skip the whole scenario of having to worry about a child for the rest of my life. Not just when they're a child, but even as an adult.
Despite all the pain and fear that went along with being pregnant, I think the most beautiful thing was, just knowing I was able to create a life. I was finally able to do it, and do it with a man I really loved. Yes, things are rocky sometimes, but I really, really love him. And there are few more beautiful things than being able to create a child with someone you are in love with. And there was that anticipation and excitement of knowing that I was creating this brand new person, and it was my responsibility to take care of this person and help them become a good, productive member of society who helped make the world a better place. See, maybe that's why I felt so much anxiety. I take the whole parenting thing pretty seriously. I want to be an attentive, hands on parent who helps to make my child into a good, productive human being. I know that any new child brought into this world will consume a HUGE amount of natural resources - gas, electricity, water, food.... It's HUGE. So I look at it like, I'd better raise a pretty damn good person in order to justify all that consumption.
Reading this, I can see how I was giving myself so much anxiety! There is a great big part of me that is wondering if I can even handle parenthood at all, and then another part of me that wants to do everything perfectly.
I am still hopeful that it will happen again. I think I would be a lot more prepared, and careful this time. I will expect to be worried. I'll expect to feel nauseous, and expect for nothing to taste good. I'll expect to be scared, and freaked out, and worried the entire time. But despite knowing all of this... I figure that if I still want to have a kid... I must really, genuinely want one.
Like I said, I know it's not up to me. I really do think it's up to a higher power at this point. True, I have to do a lot of the work on my end, but... after that, I need to let go, and let God.
So we'll see what happens in this next year. The main thing I need to do is keep moving forward with my life, try to work as hard as I can to be successful, and just hope and pray that everything will work out, in the grand scheme of things, the way that it is supposed to.