Tuesday, December 25, 2012

And the pregnancy test reveals...

... a BFN!

Yep.  I should have known better than to take a test on Christmas. I just couldn't seem to help myself, I guess largely because I knew I was going to be tempted all day, so I decided to just get it over with. At this point I'm 11 days past ovulation. I do realize there is a chance I could still test positive within 4 or 5 days but I'm not going to put too many eggs into that basket. I checked that test strip about 3 times and there was not even the faintest sign of a positive line. True, it was a test strip that I'd cut open over 2 weeks ago so maybe it wasn't good anymore, but... I had it all wrapped up, with the silica gel packet still inside, so I would think it would still be good.

As much as I was feeling and seeing weird symptoms, I have not been feeling fatigue.  Though... ok I have to say, I don't think I really felt that much fatigue the first time I was pregnant. But I do remember my back hurting quite a bit. And this time, the back pain is even worse.

I really do feel like I have been showing pregnancy symptoms, though. It's weird. Even the amount of discharges that I've been experiencing. It's been a lot, and that's not normally the case (though it was while I was pregnant). I remember, when I was pregnant before, I sometimes felt like I had my period, because I was wet down there so much of the time. So I'm not sure what is going on, or what happened, but... all I can do is try to look at the positive side of things.

On the positive side, I feel like I can probably go ahead and have a cup of decaf coffee if I want. And I can breathe a sigh of relief that I have a little more time to secure a full time job without having to worry about my employer and co-workers (rightfully) accusing me, 4 months down the road, of getting a job, right after I got pregnant, knowing I was pregnant and would have to take maternity leave.

It's hard not to go over in my mind, all the things that I could have done differently. If I hadn't gotten into that argument with my husband the evening before I ovulated, we could have had sex the next morning and I would have gotten the timing just right. Or, if I had been pregnant, maybe if I hadn't been under so much stress about 5 days ago, maybe the pregnancy would have "stuck." Or if maybe I hadn't had that glass of wine at Christmas Eve dinner. Or maybe if I hadn't talking about every single little thing as it happened, giving the blogger play by play. Or maybe if I could just take a chill pill and stop worrying about every little thing so much! One thing I definitely know for sure. A lot of my worry is money-related, so I need to figure out a way to fix that.

I definitely do plan to keep trying, and will be increasing my dosage of CoEnzyme Q10 to try to make sure my eggs are as healthy as they can be. I realized I was only taking about 200 mg per day, but I really could and probably should have been taking 400-600mg.

I spent the morning eating junk food, sweet bread rolls with lots of butter, watching the Disney Christmas Parade and throwing myself a little pity party while my husband is still asleep in bed. I guess I had to just get it out of my system.

Now I'm going to go get on my exercise bike and listen to Madonna and get pumped up to start all over again. If this cycle is like the last 3 I will be getting my period on the 27th. If for some reason that's not the case, I'll do another post!


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