Monday, December 17, 2012

Yeah, something is definitely going on

Well here I am, up at around 4:30 in the morning again. I woke up at around 2:30 this morning, unable to sleep because of the reality of the possibility of me being pregnant is actually starting to sink in.

Before I went to bed, I noticed my boobs are swollen. They just feel like they're a lot more full, like when I actually was pregnant in January. Also, my cat stepped on my abdomen yesterday and I yelped in pain. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but it was definitely unusual. My cat steps on my stomach all the time and it doesn't hurt at all. So I don't know if it's because there's extra blood down there or if it's because I rubbed progesterone cream down there or what, but... it sure wasn't my imagination. I also remember the last time I got pregnant, I had insomnia... for this same reason I'm up now. My brain couldn't shut off, while I kept thinking about the future and everything I was going to need to prepare for.

I realize it's still a little soon to talk about it... you never know what will happen, I could easily get my period and I don't want to be disappointed if that happens. But from the way my body is feeling, I'm almost positive that somehow, one of my hubby's sperm managed to meet one of my eggs, and my body is experiencing whatever happens right after that. Whether or not the pregnancy or pregnancies stick, is yet to be determined.

I'm pretty sure I've ovulated from both sides, so I'm not sure how this will turn out, but part of the reason I got up out of bed is I feel like I need to write out some kind of a plan. The bottom line is, I'm a little scared. And the truth is, I'm not just a little scared, I'm a lot scared.

Don't get me wrong, I will welcome any baby or babies God chooses to give me, and I am sure I will feel blessed and fortunate and grateful on day, God willing, if I am able to give birth to a healthy child.  I am just ... in hyper alert mode right now, thinking about the reality of what it would be like to have a child, or children, and I realize it's life changing.

It's funny how, logically I totally understand that parenthood changes you. Like, I've always said, if and when I have a baby one day, I know I can basically kiss my own life goodbye. It's all going to be about the baby, and their needs. And as my husband said, I am one of these people who really enjoys independence and likes to do my own thing. But I still have always wanted to be a Mom.

So, there's the logical side of you that knows you're going to have to kiss your own life goodbye, but you can't actually feel what that would feel like, until you are actually pregnant. It's a lot like, I'd always felt sympathetic towards people who had lost a parent, but until I lost my own father, I could not truly know what that felt like. I couldn't empathize. And now, I feel like, I can.

I am tempted to take a pregnancy test, knowing that in the event that I could have gotten pregnant as early as the first week of December, it could be positive. But I kind of don't want to spoil it. I know if I saw a negative result, it could make me anxious and who knows, I could lose the pregnancy from the anxiety. Sometimes I think that just thinking, "I'm not pregnant after all" can have a psychological effect on you, like, maybe you can talk your body into thinking it's not pregnant or that you're not meant to be pregnant, and it will be like a self fulfilling prophecy.

So, I'm going to hold off on the testing and just see what other kinds of symptoms arise.



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